Jay's Awesome Editorial 4/09/2002

New from Dick Delicious / Liquored-Up.com!
The "Even Though Your Culture Oppresses Women
You Sill Suck You Fucking Towelhead" T-Shirt
 
VISIT:  | WWW.LIQUORED-UP.COM
 

The "Even Though Your Culture Oppresses Women You Sill Suck You Fucking Towelhead" T-Shirt - Be amazed at how you can walk around with impunity with a t-shirt that, pre-September 11th, would have gotten you beaten or arrested. Now you will be thought of as a truly patriotic, an American, and against the "Axis of Evil" by sporting some of these hip intolerant threads.

Why would I make such Ignorant T-Shirt you might ask? Well besides the obvious fact the fact that attacked our country and killed thousands of people - YOU RUINED MY 30TH FUCKING BIRTHDAY - YOU FUCKING FUCKS!!!

God damn, not being in your twenties anymore is tough enough - I don't need any help from you any terrorist bastards to make the day suck even more. Now, all I can so see September 11th turning into some kind of bad 4th of July. FUCK YOU ASSHOLES - FUCK YOU!!!

Georgia Vs. New Jersey - If you've been reading any of my recent editorials you are probably already familiar with my many "Atlanta sucks 50 pound bags of dick and calls it a light lunch" tirades, complaining about how bad this place sucks blah, blah, blah... You've heard how I am only hear trying to bide here my time until I finally get released from state probation (2009 - you're right around the corner!), and I can finally move out to Montana to farm genetically altered asparagus that will grow to a uniform length and girth to enable better presentation in the vegetable bins. On a recent trip to New Jersey to play the "New Jersey Metal Meltdown" I realized that it could be much, much, much worse...I COULD BE STUCK IN NEW JERSEY!!

I lived the booming Metropolis of Uncasville, CT until I was 18 years old. New Jersey was always nearby; but I never went there for anything, and sometimes wondered why...So, why did I never go there? Because there is a strange phenomena that occurs only in New Jersey - a strange phenomena that 20 Stephen Hawkings that shot up 2 kilos of "Focus Factor" concentration enhancing vitamins, while being aided by a supercomputer that size of a refrigerator warehouse could never explain...HOW ONE STATE CAN BOTH SUCK AND BLOW AT THE SAME TIME!!

God damn, that place is awful. It has to be the most shitty place on Earth north of Soperton. I mean, Georgia SUCKS - but to say New Jersey SUCKS would be an insult to states that REALLY DO SUCK.

Here's a quick rundown what made me arrive at that conclusion:

1. MANDATORY FULL SERVICE GAS: The state of Georgia is run by idiots and inhabited by them, but at least the "powers that be" have enough faith in us to let us pump our own gas. EVER GAS STATION IN NEW JERSEY IS FULL SERVICE!! I DIDN'T EVEN THINK THEY STILL HAD FULL SERVICE ANYMORE!  Trust me guys - I can handle it - REALLY! (Well, there was that one time when I was drunk and I dragged the #7 pump from Starvin' Marvin's halfway down Moreland Ave when I neglected to remove the nozzle after fueling...but I digress....)

2. NEW JERSEY PRIDE IS LAME: After hearing Bruce Springsteen and Bon Jovi extol the many virtues of the place, I was led to believe that something decent actually existed there! Hey there, Jon Anchovy and Rick Samboredom - YOUR WRONG, SO WRONG!! That's like a pile of shit recommending some diarrhea - I mean, Bruce Springsteen - IF HE'S THE BOSS - I QUIT!! At least the ATL has produced Outcast, Mastodon, and (by default) Nashville Pussy. What have you got NJ? - "You love is like bad venison...bad venison is what I need..." - PUKE!! :-P

3. THE AVERAGE NEW JERSEY CHICK LOOKS LIKE THE NORTH END OF A SOUTHBOUND MULE: To slam the weather there would be way to obvious of a shot. We all know it's cold up there...but look what it does to your chicks - they turn pale, fat, with bad attitudes, and hair styles that stopped in '85. To see what the downline effect of that - refer to #4:

4. THE #1 JOB IN NEW JERSEY IS BEING AN ASSHOLE: The convention center we played up there wouldn't even let the people drink on the floor where the bands were playing. What kind of concert is that??!! If you wanted to sneak a beer in, there was more than enough sterioded out boneheads to catch you "fucking up" and threatening to throw you to a more repulsive gang of doughnut bloated cops if you don't co-operate. So, all you were looking forward to would be over zealous hotel security, busting your balls about too many people in your room, that do not want to see you HAVING ANY FUN ON THEIR PROPERTY!

5. THE COUP DE GRAS:

I don't want to be getting anyone who is from there's panties in a wad with all this (even if this does, oh well...I doubt I'll be back) - if you do live there - GET THE FUCK OUT - THERE'S A BIG WORLD OUT THERE!

LIQUORED-UP.COM OPENS TO HUGE CROWDS: Without hardly any promotion, my prank call site has received 29,000 hits in it's first month online! there's a bunch of new, really funny calls that have been added since the site first went online - you should check them out. I've gotten a ton of good response from it - ranging from "really, really, good" to "genius". If you haven't been there, visit Liquored Up and tell me what you think:

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If you've read this far - THANKS FOR YOUR READERSHIP!!

LATERZ,

 

A.K.A: Jay :-)


PRESS RELEASE 1/23/2001

JAY'S TRIP TO THE PORN CONVENTION

In my room, I packed all of the ammunition I would be needing for my impending trip to Vegas - fuck airline security, I couldn’t risk not finding drugs out there. I unrolled the top of my Old Spice stick and stuffed twenty-five hits of ecstasy, a vial of liquid acid, 50 Xanax, and about ten hits of super-potent peyote into the bottom of it, then rolled it back in. My lawyer had advised me not to take weed or coke because the dogs might smell it. I got to Las Vegas and bought some weed and coke.

I rolled into the opulent Venetian Hotel and went to check in my room. I noticed several pairs of novelty sized augmented titties arriving in the lobby almost ten minutes prior to the actual girl. It was then that full realization of where I was hit me – I was at Internext – the mutha' fuckin’ porn convention…and it was on!

I quickly went up to my room, smoked a joint to take the edge off the flight, and did a few lines to help with the jetlag. I called up the CJ guys and some of my other contemporaries who had already been there for a while, formed up a posse, and we hit the convention and porn parties. One thing I can say about those fucking conventions is they should supply some whiplash insurance with your badge. Ever other fucking second you were spinning your neck around at terminal velocity to catch glimpses of all the hot, steaming, slutty, porn snizz as it passed from every direction. It’s fucking great! The only downside of the hot, steaming, slutty, porn snizz is the equal amounts of dorky ass porno cheezeball guys who are always milling around. This eventually leads to a massive sausage parties. My lawyer advised me that it was time to head for Cheetahs.

If you do one thing when you go to Vegas, go to fucking Cheetahs! That place goddamn rules. I had a friend get $960 dollars swapped out of his front shirt pocket by some stripper there and he still wanted to go there every night. THAT’S A FUCKING ENDORSEMENT! The table dances will leave you pitching a carnival sized tent, the girl to guy ratio is amazingly high, you actually have a decent chance of taking a bitch home (pro-bono or paid services), and - perhaps most dangerous – IN NEVER CLOSES!! On second thought, maybe you shouldn’t go to Cheetahs - it will spoil all other titty bar establishments for life.

After dinking HEAVILY at Cheetahs we caught a limo back to the hotel. I was on my way back to up to my room when I noticed that I was in the midst of almost ten zillion ways to waste my money. I ignored my Lawyer’s advice, and went straight to the blackjack table. You could easily capture everyone’s Vegas gambling experiences in a key chain they could leave at the door of the casino that says, “Well, I was up for a while and then I played too long and lost everything.” That way we could save the world from the Greenhouse Effect by not putting the unnecessary carbon monoxide into the air when people utter those words. I sat at that table, playing losing hand after losing hand, till I vomited, shit myself, and passed out. Several well dressed men came along propped me back up, wiped off the vomit, handed me another drink, and encouraged me to continue gambling.

With little to no sleep, this process repeated itself over and over the next couple of days. As the party went on - acid, peyote, Viagra, ecstasy, and xanax were added to the mix. From that madness I recall a few standout moments – one of which I now refer to as “My Twenty Four Hour Pussy Fucking Rampage!” – where I fucked two pornstars, some Cheetah bitch, and another random slut. The two porn stats wouldn’t tell me who they were because they said I would have “heard of them”. It was funny though; I had a kind of DejaVu experience…like that I had dropped a load on their faces before. The Cheetah bitch gave me such a hardcore dick riding tabledance I told fell into the definition of foreplay – so, we had to seal the deal. The last bitch I boned in the Venetian’s parking garage.

Other highlights included: vomiting through the fingers on my hand, running into Lemmy backstage at the Players Ball, meeting Macaroni (the pimp the actual term “mackin’” came from), losing money over and over at blackjack, finding out from an actual eye witness that Robin Leach IS banned from the five star Delmonico’s Steakhouse for eating cheesecake from a hookers pussy, and taking shit after shit in the plush Venetian bathrooms. Viva Vas Vegas!!

OK JAY, ENOUGH OF WHAT YOU THINK - BACK TO THE PORN

E-mail me your comments: jayq@attbi.com

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