This nation has a problem with crime. We need answers. The trouble is: We want those answers fast, and we want ‘em stupid! How about some of that brilliant “Three Strikes and You’re Out” legislation that has been sweeping the county? I mean think about it -- who are the fucking dolts thinking this shit up? You know it’s some retarded wannabe elected official that is trying to win the voters over with his macho tough-on-crime policy:

"Err, uh duh - my fine constituents, it works for baseball, then it surely must work as system of law!"

Shit, explain that to the poor bastard doing Twenty-Five-To-Life for swiping a slice of pizza! He never had any say in it -- he lost his right to take part in an election after strike #1! Well, the good news is that pizza theft is at an all time low since the enactment of this 1994 mandatory minimum legislation. One slice of pepperoni at a time, America is taking back its streets.

"Three Strikes and You’re Out" is more of a West Coast thing – let’s take a quick look and see how we do things in da’ Dirty South. Seeing as we are the good folks that brought you slavery; then it also seems appropriate that we are the same people who should bring it back for the next generation. For all of you out there who’ve never experienced the elation of enslaving another human being; don’t lose faith -- glory, glory, the South will rise again!

Alrighty then, here’s how it works: We take a group of pissed off felons, who are mostly serving time for minor drug offenses or probation violations; arm them with bush axes, chainsaws, sickles, plus a multitude of other deadly objects. Then we send them back out mixing with the public to pick up trash, mow lawns, and perform other menial tasks -- all accompanied by one unarmed corrections officer! Yeah man, that’s a great idea – that’s keeping them god damn criminals off the street! Does that serve the interests of public safety? Hell no, that sounds like a disaster waiting to happen! What’s between someone deciding to lop a corrections officer’s head off with a machete and just taking it to the house? Not much, really.

Such is life on the Chain Gang.

A quick aside here, before all you correction officers start maxing out the bandwidth on your hotmail accounts sending e-mails reminding me what a piece of shit I am, please consider this: I realize that the average person does not become a corrections officer because that’s what they always dreamed of being. They do it because it’s a job. Hey, you gotta’ work, right? Dealing with a bunch of convicts, day in and day out, has got to suck – even I appreciate that. If you are someone who actually enjoys their work – then you probably also haven’t outgrown the thrill off smoldering ants under a magnifying glass. Simply put, you are a sadist. Ok, enough said – now back to our story…

Meanwhile, across town, some poor schlep has just picked up his last unemployment check, and goes out pounding the pavement for a new job. Rejection after rejection, he finally turns to the County Works Department – only to find out that all of those have been filled by convicted felons! An eviction notice has been slapped to the door, his god damned baby’s momma is bringin’ much stress, car’s gonna’ get repossessed…so, what’s a brotha’ to do? Shoplift? Sell crack? You gotta’ make ends meet, right? He does that for a while, and eventually gets cased up for slinging some ghetto biscuits. When he makes it to court, the judge decides to give him “a break”, and hands down some ridiculously long probation sentence. Now he REALLY can’t find a job because today’s job market is not geared toward the convicted felon. So he goes back to hustlin’, winds up getting high on his own supply, goes to see his P.O., fails a piss test, and gets violated. So THEN where does he wind up?

Walking up the side of the interstate picking up trash in front of some county van - WORKING ON THE CHAINGANG!

If you are a history buff like I am, you would recall that when Abraham Lincoln issued his renowned Emancipation Proclamation, he was on the tail end of a brutal three day bender. The next day, he woke with a pounding hangover, read the transcript of his speech, and asked Thomas Jefferson, “I freed the who?” By then, it was too late. The bill had become law. Now, if you are a conspiracy theory buff, like I am – you would also know that since that day, the government has been quietly slipping slavery back under America’s door – this time using the Corrections System as the Amistad.

Yes, folks, the situation is deteriorating fast. Our once progressive nation is crawling back into the womb from which it was torn, and we are becoming a bunch of slave owning aristocrats again, like our forefathers. I know this from first hand experience. I’ve had many menial jobs in my time: Water Cooler Guy, UPS Worker, Midget Pornographer, and unsuccessful rock star. However, none have been as rewarding as my time spent mowing grass at the State Park, while handcuffed to a lawnmower, as inmate #460881…. WORKING AS A SLAVE, ON THE GOD DAMNED CHAINGANG!

No Liberty or Justice for Anyone,