Do you remember the good ‘ole “aid” days, like “LiveAid”, “We Are The World”, and “FarmAid”? FarmAid is the one that sticks out in my mind right now. See, I’ve been doing some driving around the Midwest lately, and let me tell you, the indigent farmers have PLENTY of fucking room to work with. Most of this great nation’s Midwest is NOTHING BUT GOD DAMNED FARMS. They had their chance; they blew it! So fuck ‘em! If they are going broke and they need some kind of “AID”, then they need a quick simple lesson in economics – because the only kind of AID they will be getting from me is fucking “Haterade”!

While square miles of rustic farmland may only yield them a mere .13 cents per square acre quarterly, a slut infested titty bar is pulling almost 100$ per minute -- and that’s just on a Friday night. It shouldn’t be our job to throw lame concerts to bail out these dim witted county fucks. It’s business, just simple ass fucking business! Instead of leaving their sole source of income at the mercy of such natural forces as droughts, locusts, and early frosts, why not move the whole operation indoors to skyscrapers, in protected environments, stacked up floor after floor in optimal growing conditions. It will surely beat the pants off speculating on the success of next year’s okra harvest. Fuck that – leave the commodities brokering to the God Damned Amish. Do not fear technology – revere it! We must replace this religious insanity! Get on your knees before electronics! God has done his work through nature in the Midwest for many a centuries! If your fucking lame ass farming is making families sell their children into incestuous prostitution to make ends meet, it is only because GOD HAS FAILED YOU! YOU HAVE NOT MADE THE BEST USAGE OF THE SQUARE FOOTAGE YOU ALREADY POSSESS!

Now with all that being said, why not try this? Your farms are leaving you crying poverty, while the fat cats at the titty bars get richer and richer – let’s do this: Take the entire Midwest and turn it into one giant shoe show and move the farms intown to the high-rises. With all of the additional revenue that will be streaming into Hickville from liquor licenses, tourism, permits, and DUI arrests – even the most right wing, uptight local government will turn a blind eye to all of this hedonism in lieu of ALL THAT CASH. Replace those two penny, one horse power buggies with million horse power, cash sucking, drunken, next day empty pockets guilt vortexes: TITTY BARS.

While we are at it, we can take the same technology that made strip clubs what they are today and apply these same principals to farming: Saline enhanced carrots, silicon augmented watermelons, asparagus surgically molded to perfection! It will certainly become a great era for cosmetic surgeons!

Not only will this pull the USA out of its economic slump and give kids a reason to stay in school, it will also be a much needed boon to one of this nation’s most vital issues: HOMELAND SECURITY. See, if Al Queda decides to do a repeat of 9/11 and they decide to nail the Sears Towers, the only adverse effect would be a small dip in the US production of squash and zucchini. Probably, just a minute ago, you thought that I was some kind of idiot for suggesting that we turn all of America’s farmland into seedy strip bars! So what now? Is this making too much sense? I’m sure that some of you forward thinkers believe there may be flaws in this manifest destiny I propose. Though I don’t have a degree in economics, I do know this will create a giant buyer’s market and more supply than demand. All the tit bars need to do is diversify; offer the public more than your standard run of the mill plastic stripper sluts – make nudie bars that feature midgets, fat chicks, chick with giant 70’s bushes – so on and so on. Weather people realize it or not, THERE IS A MARKET FOR ALL OF THIS SHIT. Soon, millions will be flocking to this nation’s rural areas for conventions, our farmlands will have the same tourism draw of the Red Light district, and a CEO need not worry about getting busted in his hometown checking out some transsexual fat midget pussy! The national farmlands will serve a much higher purpose than just a life support system for a bunch of corn that will waste massive acreage, be consumed, and reappear in the sewer system in much the same form! Let this nation’s crop be bathed in the cobalt blue light of a radioactive sun. We must make the maximum dollar out of the square acreage we’ve got! It’s not like we can just invade anyone, anytime we want, and take their shit! Or – hang on, let me get back with you on that one…