This may well be the end of times. The moral fabric of America is unraveling: domestic violence, teen pregnancy, gang activity, and high school drug use are soaring to an all time high. At the very core of these problems is the growing dysfunctionality of the American family unit. These days, misguided kids without proper parental figures are maturing outside of “the traditional family environment”. Looming over us is a national divorce rate that by some figures exceeds 50%. The death knell of the idealistic American family will be sounded largely by the fact that men and women do not understand one another, and, therefore, cannot get along in the context of a meaningful relationship. Boys are exposed, from the womb to the tomb, to society’s obsessions with male bravado, sports, and just plain macho nonsense. This causes them to grow up unaware of the myriad complexities of the female being.

Without at least proper basic knowledge of such affairs, relationships are doomed to failure. What is a broken home? It’s a failed relationship. With the failure of relationship, comes the collapse of family. With the collapse of family comes the collapse of society… and, perhaps, the end of civilization as we know it. One giant failing of the American education system is that they do not teach the nuances of complex adult relationships to these kids. With each passing year, younger and younger children are taught sex education in the classroom. The whole point of sex, at its most basic level, is to ensure the perpetuation of the species, but there is no need to teach this to hormone-loaded pre-teens because this knowledge is innate and they will do it anyways. What youth of the world need is a healthy dose of male sensitivity training -- that’s right, male sensitivity training. Young and old men alike need to better understand the complexities of the fairer sex, so here it goes:

THE HILTER SKILTER / END O’ THE WORLD CRASH COURSE ON MALE SENSITIVITY:

It is a proven fact that there are only two types of females:

Hatchet Wounds: These are the types with pussy lips hang out - also know as beefcurtians, mud flaps, or meat lips. It wasn’t your massive cock that gave her that hangage. It probably has more to do with an excess of Y chromosomes, so think about that before you grow that extra hand to pat yourself of the back with. OK, Mr. Stud?

Hoof Prints: If your original run-ins with the images of vaginas were through Playboy or some other kind of softcore porn publication; then it would be easy to think that these were the only game in town. Hoof Prints are also that magical vaginas are to blame for hundreds of hours you’ve wasted scanning MTV and DVDs for camel toes.

OK, that’s it! Congrats, you just got your GED in male sensitivity.

Now, are you ready for some advanced post-graduate work? Yes, it is possible to have a deeper understanding of women without being a pussy-whipped codependent fag that cries during sappy movies. Here is a list of the deeper female characteristics; you just need to look a little bit further into slight variances in the composition of females in order to be a guru of male uber-sensitivity.

The Giant 70’s Bush: You know what I’m talking about -- the un-kept 70’s beaver you grew up doing the five-knuckle shuffle to your dad’s Ginger Lynne tapes over. In this modern world with vast options in hair removal products, the Giant 70’s Bush is totally unacceptable. One should not have to call in a crew of Mexican landscapers when it’s time to lap some clam. It kills the mood.

The Groomed Vagina: A step in the right direction, it’s basically a well-groomed version of the 70’s bush, but it is nothing compared to the following two techniques, which are both tied for my favorite:

The Mohawk Bush: The “treasure trail” popularized by late 80’s porn; is the cut of choice among most strippers. This genital hairdo was pioneered by Adolf Hitler and his groundbreaking facial hair of the late 30’s.

Shaved Completely Bald, Baby: Seems to be this millennium’s hot trend in vaginal maintenance; girls who can’t even grow peach fuzz yet are already trying to shave it off. Makes clam lapping a breeze, also stirs one’s inner pedophile. There’s nothing wrong with a bald G-string oyster – nothing at all.

OK, that’s it about it. I hope reading something so monumentally sensitive didn’t dissolve the cartilage in anyone’s wrists or make anyone seriously consider a career in interior decorating. Remember, by practicing the ideas put forth in today’s article, you will enhance your personal life, current or future relationships, and will create a brighter future for all of humanity… because sensitivity makes the world go round!

Also, it might give your backhand the much needed rest it needs!

See You at Church,