Thursday, October 09, 2003
JAY ON PORN STUD SEARCH

I would like to preface this article by saying that I have been on one fucking hell of a losing streak lately. My personal life has been so fraught with problems that I might look toward Robert Downey Jr. as a role model to find stability and happiness. With a recent court date looming over me, I’ve spent the last few months living both on the lamb and in jail, as I try to make it from one week to the next without doing drugs for long enough to pass my next piss test. Now, as autumn creeps over us, I can trace all of my present tribulations right back to the crossroads, where I made my deal with the devil.

I’m in Miami, it’s July, and sometime after midnight. I’m at the Internext Porn Convention. I’ve been drunk since noon. That night I was hanging out at the Pornopalooza Party with the rest of the CJ staff, when I do one of the stupidest things I’ve ever done in my life…

OK, OK – SO I DID A FUCKIN’ PORN – BIG DEAL!
THE VIDEO CAN BE SEEN HERE! AND THE PICTURES ARE RIGHT HERE

If you are a close friend, relative, or a woman expecting me to be on better behavior while attending one of these events, PLEASE AVERT YOUR EYES NOW! Read one of my clever articles about mesh hats or something until this homepage, thankfully, expires.

Even being a sort of non-official CJ staffer, I do have more years in the porn business than the rest of the crew. I know there is a line that polarizes the jizz biz.

There is:

• A. The People Who Make The Money
• B. And The Content: the people who make the people in A rich.

Everyone knows that you can’t be a member of both groups. If you’re a member of Group B, you should never cross over to Group A.

I don’t know what it was in the air that night. Was it the fact that I’d been out in the sun drinking for 14 hours? Could it have been Marc’s silver-tongued salesmanship? Perhaps it was just my ego.

Or maybe, I was just sick of having this conversation:

Some Random Idiot: “So what do you for a living?”
Me: “Porn…”
Some Random Idiot: “Do you get to fuck the girls?”
Some Random Idiot: “No, what I do is {insert boring rambling on about TGP galleries and affiliate marketing here}…”

For once, it would be nice to just say, “Yeah, I fuck sluts.” and walk away.

It was probably a combination of all of the above.

The good folks from Topbucks were at the party looking to shoot a new episode of Porn Stud Search, a reality porn site that is a spin-off of those “Porn Star Auditions” in a reverse scenario which puts the guy on the hot seat. The girl that shoots the show came around to our group and before I know it (after some instigation from Paul, Marc, and Ryan), I slapped my name down on a model release while saying into a camera, “I am above the age of 18, sober, and know I am about to appear in an adult video.” The second statement was an abject lie, but two out of three ain’t bad.

But first, I had to deal with…

THE BAIT AND SWITCH: While I was teetering back and forth between, ”Maybe I will do this” and “No, I won’t”, the Porn Stud Search producer tosses out the forbidden fruit by pointing to two Britney Spears look-alikes dancing onstage in short denim skirts and telling me they’d both be my co-stars. One moon mission doesn’t even make someone a full time an astronaut, but one porn will make you a porn star for the rest of your life. Right? That’ll be cool! Fuck it – I’m sold. The next thing I know, The Porn Stud Search crew emerges from the stage area, not with the Britney Twins as promised, but with one skinny, worn out, coked-up porn chick. The first words out of her mouth (between coke boogers running off her lip) is that she’s about to “retire” soon.

Oh man, this could really suck.

Having made other high pressure public appearances before such as Jerry Springer and Howard Stern, I know how to handle pressure. I decided, “Fuck it, I signed up to do this thing, I need to follow through with it.”

It wasn’t that I considered myself a “porn stud” – but I figured I had an edge because I had been on many porn sets in the past, and have seen the male talent fold under the pressure of the camera. Having understood and being aware of that pressure, I felt I could overcome it because I know that 99% is mental. Even being conscious of that, you must also consider that most times on a porn set, the girl does not actually want to fuck you – she just needs blow money, and is a total bitch during the shoot. Sometimes, albeit less, the male talent may have no interest in the female talent, but he’s got to knock it out anyway – such is the life of a porn stud. My case was an example of this situation taken to the umpteenth extreme.

But, it’s good work if you can get it.

Now one thing I can say about Porn Stud Search, like a lot of this reality shit, there was always some doubt in my mind as to weather it was real or not. That question was answered while scouting a location to shoot the video. The pool security attempted to kick us out of the area, they politely requested that he give us fifteen minutes, and the coked-up stripper starts pulling goofy looking yellow condoms out of her purse. No doubt, this shit is real. I’ll give them that.

THE CROSSROADS: The shit starts going down. I sit in the chair and she unzips my pants. It’s the dreaded swimdick. To my horror, my unit is shriveled like a scared raisin. It was like a frightened turtle, crawling back into its shell. Then my mind started to race in terror – NO, NO I CAN’T SOFTSERVE! That would make me a TOTAL LOSER – I’ve got to pull this together. To make things worse, through the entire course of the scene, the girl never even touches my dick. She tries to put the rubber on before my dick even gets hard – shit, this is fucking awful, just awful.

So what do I do?

Like any good porn stud, I close my eyes, rough up the suspect in front of the talent, think of my girlfriend, and pray that she never sees this shit. Eventually, my tactics pay off. While not sporting the boner of a lifetime, I do become turgid enough to penetrate. Dutifully, I do so. We poke around in a few different positions. My wood comes and goes a few times in the total absence of any sexual chemistry. We’re fucking. That’s good, I guess. Now, I just can’t wait for this shit to be over. The pool guy comes back around to remind us about the 15 minute rule when I see my chance to make an exit. It’s time for the money shot! I cum, and barely have enough time to peel the constrictive rubber off my cock and dribble a few droplets of man spackle on her face.

WRAP UP: Was I successful? I didn’t softserve. I guess that’s a “yes”. Was it some decent porn? Hell no. If you were to call it “porn” that would imply that it captures some hot sex action that you would actually whack off to at some later juncture. I could even use the Bill Clinton argument and say that no sex even occurred. See, when you have sex, someone has contact with your penis. Right? There was no actual contact, therefore there was no sex.

So, what did Porn Stud Search capture? Some very bad, cracked-out, drunken, hooker condom sex.

Judged on a scale of my past sexual performances, it was well near the bottom – shame it was caught on camera. It’s too late to lament that. See, I don’t care that all of you people out there are reading this and thinking, “What’s he talking about? I could do that!” Fact is, the Porn Stud Search people confirm that 80% of the guys fail and serve spaghetti. That puts me in the upper 20%. That’s not bad. Yeah, it was some really shitty sex. My girl left me over it, and the rest of my life went straight down the shitter directly afterward, but I still got my dick hard and cranked off on camera for a porn film.

I’m not a total loser -- I’m a partial winner.

Werd up,

Read a review of Porn Stud Search here.