Thursday, September 18, 2003
Mesh Caps: A Pandemic of Stupidity

Seeing as CJ reaches such a mammoth audience, every now and again I feel it is my civic duty to give something back to the community. You know -- help the public. A few weeks ago, Paul and I helped society by addressing the errant ways of metrosexuality. Today I would like to use this editorial space to tackle another perilous social crisis: MESH HATS.

That right, it seems kids everywhere are running around sporting these stupid looking, sideways-turned, mesh trucker caps. Unlike tie-dyes, parachute pants, the high top fade, and a thousand other harmless fashion faux pas that have sullied the pop culture landscape, mesh hats are particularly dangerous. It’s a little known fact that wearing a mesh hat actually drops the wearer’s IQ by as much as 74%. Yes, having a mesh hat on your head is the cranial equivalent of a full frontal lobotomy. Plus, mesh hats are SO GAY that no one can even seem to put one on their head straight! Do they always have to be worn at some all-crooked off, dumb angle? Gay innuendo if I ever saw it.

OK, we all know who is at the root of this problem: Ashton Kutcher, but I ain’t gonna hate on him. On “Punk’d”, he wore a mesh hat because he probably meant to look stupid. I’m sure he didn’t expect a nation of spineless jellyfish to go out and empty the inventories of truck stops just to ride his sizz-nuts.

I can even understand what these mesh-seeking morons are thinking; it’s a classic, two- part, if/then statement gone horribly wrong. It goes a little something like this:

PART 1: IF chicks dig Ashton Kutcher, THEN Ashton Kutcher must get a lot of top shelf snizz-o-la.

PART 2: IF I wear a mesh hat, I will look like Ashton Kutcher, THEN I will get a lot of pussy.

Even lab rats can recognize simple if/then patterns, but true wisdom transcends time. My grandfather gave me a lot of good advice, some of which can be applied here:

• A. You can put pearls on swine, but it’s still a pig.
• B. You can’t polish a turd.

Now IF you year-two-thousandize my grandfather’s points A and B, THEN you will inevitably reach point C, which is…

• C. IF you are a piece-of-shit, white trash redneck, and you put on one of those mesh hats, THEN you look like an EVEN BIGGER piece-of-shit, white trash redneck.

My grandfather, of course, grew up blissfully in much less tolerant times. No tome of his advice would be complete without this classic bigoted witticism:

• D. You can take a [insert racial slur here] out of the ghetto, but you can’t take the ghetto out of a [insert racial slur here].

This takes me straight to my next point…

The evils of the mesh hats seem to be crossing cultural and racial boundaries. Turn on BET, watch a rap video, and what do you see? 50 Cent, Jay-Z, and P Diddy - WEARING STUPID FUCKING REDNECK MESH HATS! You see, a black man is the most imitated person on the planet -- lame white people are supposed to steal from you, not the other way around! Almost every invention of black culture has been hijacked, bleached, and homogenized by white society. Look at rock n’ roll, baggy pants, jazz, fried chicken, and Michael Jackson -- the list could go on and on! What about the likes of Fred Durst, Justin Limbercock, and NSUCK? These are examples of the irreparable damage unfettered wiggers can do! PEOPLE OF PIGMENTATION, WAKE UP! Mesh trucker hats are the most horrible idea pasty people have had in a long, long time! Blacks, as the yardsticks of cool, the compasses of style, and the bearers of rhythm: YOU SHOULD KNOW BETTER THAN THE BE RUNNING AROUND IN MESH HATS! WE SHOULD TAKE BACK YOUR 40 ACRES AND A MULE!

I digress. For once, this isn’t black folk’s fault. Back to the origin of the problem: Ashton Kutcher. Since you have become the new “yardstick of style” for today’s mindless youth culture, do this for me, my man:

Let’s play a giant cosmic joke on all of these sheep! For the next season of “Punk’d”; wear a garment sporting an obviously- placed gay rainbow flag logo! IF you do that, once again, you will be emulated, THEN we will have a good laugh at all the clueless rainbow-clad zombies that can’t seem to make it past the local gay bathhouse without being forced to toss someone’s salad! That’ll learn ‘em!

In closing, (as NWA told Ice Cube in 1991) I would like to say this to all of you mesh hat clad morons:

THE JOKES ON YOU JACK! GET A FUCKING CLUE AND TAKE OFF THAT STUPID FUCKING HAT – YOU LOOK LIKE AN IDIOT!

Peace, pot, and microdots,