It’s almost The Fourth again; do you know what that means? It’s time to celebrate the contributions of our forefathers for granting us independence from those pompous fuckin’ limeys! It’s appropriate to celebrate patriotism by setting aside one day a year for such a noble cause. That’s what The Fourth is all about, right? Hell no! The Fourth is all about trying to make it from one BBQ to the next without becoming Magnum D.U.I. You’d better keep your eyes fixated on the rear-view mirror -- look out for quota-hungry Keystone Cops that leap at the chance to legally give you a D.U.I. because of the four beers you drank over the last ten hours. Ironically, on Independence Day, they take the very freedoms promised in the Declaration of Independence and shove them right up America’s collective ass in the form of roadblocks and random traffic stops -- all in the name of revenue.

Ok, so we know who is at the root of this problem: THE STINKIN’ ASS PORK. You know what I’m talking about: THE PIGS, THE MAN, FIVE-O, or THE PO-PO. Since the backyard grills will be in full mutha-fuckin’-fizzo on da’ four-to-the-trizzo, allow me to share with you slightly impaired revelers a recipe for what comprises one of these annoying swine bastards.

You will need a 220-275 lbs of Man-Pig
• 1 portion of 185 Ugly Slut
• 2 slightly inbred piglets
• 1 Cup stupidity
• 1 Pint ignorance
• 10 cloves self-righteousness
• 2 qts authority
• 1 dozen doughnuts
• 1 pot of coffee
• ground corruption
• chopped greed, and
• economy-sized can of brutality

Prepare a marinade beginning with a socially awkward high school loser that never gets laid, and plans to take out these tribulations on his pubescent oppressors in adult life.

Add 1 Ugly Slut that finally takes an interest in said loser. They will marry and spawn. While being forced to say your ABC’s backwards on the side of the road, you will be reminded how scum like you are a menace to these piglets.

Let recruit marinate until the meat becomes completely self righteous. Before cooking, use stupidity and ignorance as a dry rub.

Once on the force, it’s grill time! Make sure you baste the rookie cop with authority and power to produce a fine megalomania.

Open the pig’s mouth and stuff in generous portions of coffee and doughnuts till corpulent.

While cooking, the self-righteousness will caramelize, and become straight-up hoity-toityness. Once hoity-toity; brush with generous amounts of corruption, greed, and brutality.

When “Da’ Man” is fully cooked, it’s time to serve him to your guests. Be sure to only do this when they are committing some minor infraction of the law or have some roaches the ashtray. Under no circumstances should you serve grilled Cop when your company could actually use the assistance of a police officer, such as a carjacking or burglary. In the event of such an emergency, use the coffee and doughnuts as a distraction. While at Krispy Kreme they will likely arrest some stoners with the munchies. This will give you enough time to avoid an embarrassing breach in BBQ etiquette.

Of course, if you are a sub-par chef or this all seems like too much trouble to you, consider the alternative solution. Everyone from Ice-T, to the Trench Coat Mafia, to the Texas Seven, to the simplest redneck already knows the best way to deal with pork, especially when they are asking you to step out of the car:

YOU SMOKE ‘EM!

Have a fly Fourth of July and don’t become Magnum D.U.I.,