THE GIANT NASHVILLE PUSSY WORLD TOUR

We would like to thank Nashville Pussy for giving us some dates on their latest US tour! After doing that shit, we cannot go back to are usual punk rock DIY bullshit. A typical day on a mega rock tour like that would go something like this…

11:34 AM Wake up at the Four Seasons hotel, kick last nights supermodel turned band groupie, out of bed.

12:15 PM Call room service, order $243 breakfast with bottle of Crystal.

12:35 PM Snort cocaine.

1:30 PM Meet rest of band at private jet. Argue over who gets to sit in front.

1:33 PM Quit band over seating arrangements.

1:36 PM Re-join band and snort cocaine to make up.

2:46 PM Get picked up on jetway by limo.

3:01 PM Snort cocaine in limo.

4:01 PM Are guests of honor at giant autograph signing at local Blockbuster. Attended by numerous nubile high school sluts.

4:26 PM Deny allegations about sexual contact with said nubile high school sluts to local authorities. Call R Kelly's lawyer.

5:12 PM Show up for sound check only to find Katie Holmes, The Guess Girl, and the Olsen twin changing our guitar strings while patiently waiting our arrival.

5:13 PM At site of scene depicted in 5:12PM, dick becomes so hard it bursts through pants and causes new East Coat Fault line and power outages.

5: 14-6:30 PM Use you imagination.

6:34 PM Snort cocaine with Olsen Twins

7:34 PM Flawless sound check.

9:30 PM Lines surround civic center in anticipation of tonight’s Rock n’ Roll show. Ticket being scalped on Ebay for deeds to houses and car titles.

9:56 PM Prepare for gig by snorting more cocaine.

10:00 PM Dick D hits stage with a show that can be best described as “The Best Show You Ever Saw”. 4 die in most pit, 2 guitar players commit suicide after being blinded by Dicks guitar prowess, several female fan’s drown in own quim.

NOW PM Dick comes back to reality, and tells you what REALLY happened. The tour was really awesome for us – good crowds pretty much every night, we REALLY GOT sounds checks, the was always plenty of ICE COLD DELICIOUS REFRESHING BEER backstage, deli trays full of carrot sticks backstage, I SAID DELI TRAYS FULL OF FUCKING CARROT STICKS GOD DAMNIT - WITH DRESSING (SUCH FUCKING OPULENCE!!), we always got paid cause the club owners signed “CONTRACTS” that guaranteed us $250 - damn, now there's a novelty. I’ll tell you we never had it so good – and the fact that we got to do this, has nothing to do with the fact that Nashville Pussy's drummer is my roommate, nothing I tell you! THANKS NASHVILLE PUSSY!