Jays New Editorials:
Links to Some of the Classics:
THE GREAT SOUTHERN TRENDKILL
Maybe I’m just paranoid from blazing up all this chronic lately, but it seems to me CJ is always one step ahead of the game when it comes to summoning the death knell of today’s lamest trends.
THE FIRST EVER HOWARD STERN AWARD
JANUARY, 15TH, 2003 - ON THE HOWARD STERN RADIO SHOW, IN NEW YORK, DICK DELICIOUS AND THE TASTY TESTICLES BECAME THE FIRST EVER RECIPIENTS OF THE HOWARD STERN AWARD FOR EXCELLENCE IN THE FIELD OF MUSIC. HOWARD EXPLAINED THAT OFTEN TIMES THE PEOPLE WHO CREATE THE BEST MUSIC ARE NEVER REWARDED FOR IT, AND HE WANTED TO GIVE OUT AN AWARD FOR MAKING MUSIC THAT HE FINDS ORIGINAL, SPECIAL, AND DIFFERENT FROM THE "SAME OLE', SAME OLE'". STERN MADE DICK DELICIOUS AND THE TASTY TESTICLES WINNERS OF THE FIRST H.S.A. AWARD.
I WANT TO BE A DRUG SNIFFING DOG
It’s one thing to get hassled when you are doing something, but there is no feeling quite as indignant and sanctimonious as when you are pulled over for nothing and you aren’t doing anything! If it were any day between 1997 and 9/12/2004 -- you would’ve got me, but now I ain’t doing SHIT and THIS was HARRASSMENT!
PORK PRODUCTS AND NARCOTICS
I was preparing Bacon Wrapped Pork Chops with a sausage appetizer. I had already called the hospital and told them I would probably need an angioplasty for dessert.
I'M NOT A LOSER - I'M A PARTIAL WINNER
I’m in Miami, it’s July, and sometime after midnight. I’m at the Internext Porn Convention. I’ve been drunk since noon. That night I was hanging out at the Pornopalooza Party with the rest of the CJ staff, when I do one of the stupidest things I’ve ever done in my life…
MY 9/11
I was born 9/11/1971, so September 11th 2001 was my thirtieth birthday. Thirty is somewhat of a milestone, and I can remember being a wee lad of eighteen thinking to myself "Man, if I’m ever thirty, the world is going to be a fucked up place."
THE DEPARTMENT OF IRONIC PUNISHMENT 
Despite my penchant for mocking the misfortunes of others, there’s one thing that I just can’t poke fun at. You probably already know what I’m talking about, The Nick Berg beheading video. That shit was fucked. It’s very rare anything is able to offend me, but this video did the trick! The strange thing about it: I didn’t even know who to be mad at! Usually when something steams my beans, I know straight away who pissed me off, but not here.
SOLSTICE
On June, 21st for the Dirty South and the southern hemisphere, winter and summer solstices are exchanged, marking the first day of the season of summer. The date of the summer solstice shifts through the Gregorian calendar according to the insertion of leap years. The declination of the Sun on the (northern) summer solstice is known as the tropic of cancer (23° 27').
ALABAMA ZUCCHINI PROFILES
This is another tall tale of DIY tour madness from 1995 with Dick Delicious and the Tasty Testicles. We had three shows in a row booked in Florida with our friends Super X-13: Jacksonville, Tallahassee, and Panama City Beach. I had a brilliant idea: Instead of taking two separate vans, we take one van with a trailer with both bands riding in it; thus lowering the expenses. Who knows? We might actually make money for once!
DOWN AT THE MOT
The Museum of Tolerance is supposed to educate the public about how bigotry, hate, and racism destroy society -- with a focus on the WWII Holocaust. Honestly, we didn't expect to make it through the entire exhibit before being tossed out like used bandages.
HOW TO PICK UP A STRIPPER
Many argue that you can’t get laid at titty bars. I strongly disagree with this logic. If I had a nickel for every stripper I’ve slid my bearded blood bomber into, I would be a rich man.
THE DAY I SHUT OFF THE OCEAN
My first story happened sometime in the spring of 2000, when I went with my friends, Mike and Juan, down to Cocoa Beach, Florida, to surf. We arrived early in the afternoon, and as soon as we got there, we hit the beach and started...
THE OLIVER STONE INCIDENT
I have often described the Clermont Lounge as “walking into a David Lynch movie”, but that night, we strolled into Atlanta’s version of Blue Velvet and found none other than, Oliver Stone.
THE STATE OF MY GUMS
What all of these PC do-gooders claim to be racism these days is not racism at all – I prefer to call it “Extreme Stereotyping”.
KERRY IS GONNA' WIN BY A LANDSLIDE!
I can tell you this: As sure as the sun will rise tomorrow, as sure is Scott Perterson is a mur-diddly-urdler, and as sure as when I am done writing this homepage I will login Euro Sex Parties to rough up my suspect till I cover this keyboard in a frothy man spackle…
DISASTERS IN MOVING: VOL. 1
Before I moved out here I can remember Paul telling me, "Dude, don’t write every homepage about living in California – we don’t want a bunch of My Summer Vacation shit." It has been my honest intention to do just that, however sometimes these editorials just seem to write themselves.
GOIN DOWN TO NAWLINS' GONNA HAVE US A REAL NICE TIME
Yes, like everything religious, the observation Mardi Gras has become perversely twisted with time. It is little surprise that a somber Christian celebration leading up to the forty day of fast of Lent turned into all of this -- for organized religion this is par for the course.
IN PRAISE OF HOWARD STERN
Many of you were shocked when you tuned in for your morning fix of Stern, only to find him replaced my some lame local wannabe shock jocks. Clear Channel, under pressure from the federal government, has pulled the plug on the Howard Stern show in six major markets. While this may "only" be six markets right now, it is a symptom of a much greater problem that will grow in time. The broadcasting mafia has ordered a hit on Howard Stern. Clear Channel needs to eliminate the completion in order usurp the throne of the King of All Media.
FUCK THE FARMERS
While square miles of rustic farmland may only yield them a mere .13 cents per square acre quarterly, a slut infested titty bar is pulling almost 100$ per minute -- and that’s just on a Friday night. It shouldn’t be our job to throw lame concerts to bail out these dim witted county fucks. It’s business, just simple ass fucking business!
SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 28TH: A DAY THAT WILL LIVE IN INFAMY
The day began harmlessly enough: shooting tequila and smoking Mexican dirtweed over steaming, nearly sanitary plates of chorizo and tacos at a local cantina in the sleepy Mexican town of La Salinas, about an hour south of Tijuana.
THE SPARTANBURG INCIDENT
By the end of the show, this girl is completely wasted. She drags me off into a bathroom, gets buck naked, and starts blowing me. Outside the bathroom door a decent sized group of people gathered...
REPUBLICANS CANNOT READ
My last piece about how Kerry was going to win by a landslide was nothing more than an a half hearted attempt to raise the collective right wing’s blood pressure high enough so that, hopefully, a few of these ideological fossils would have strokes and die. Let me say the hatemail came pouring in, just as expected, simmering in the fine ignorance that can only be associated with a pack of brainwashed right-wing zombies…MUHHAH! -- Ignorance - simmered to perfection!
YOU, SIR, HAVE LED AN EMPTY LIFE
Obviously, I would go with the chicken, but after 68 years of not eating, he’ll be pretty set in his ways, and would probably choose a martyr’s death at the beaks of carnivorous birds. Those who live by the sword, die by the sword. Your carcass will serve as a reminder to impressionable youth that:
NIGHT OF THE LIVING METROSEXUAL
For those of you not familiar with the term, a metrosexual is a guy who appears to be gay, but whose true homo tendencies still lay dormant. Think GQ Magazine. Think Calvin Klein ads.
XANAX AUDITION
Xanax. That’s right… Xanax. Even after spending years experimenting with all of these “Schedule One Street Narcotics”, it’s a legal one that has put hooks of addiction into me.
LA JAY
You can say what you want about the City of Angles, but I love it and better than that: I LIVE HERE NOW!
THE REALLY SIMPLE LIFE
Rule one and three are self explanatory, but number two is a different animal. Nobody goes out for a drink. You get a drink, then you get another one, then another, then, next thing you know, you are blacked out singing misogynistic karaoke remixes of "Knock-Knock-Knocking Up Some Whore" to a mob of angry lesbians while simultaneously puking blood and tacos on your shoes.
MESH CAPS: A PANDEMIC OF STUPIDITY
It seems kids everywhere are running around sporting these stupid looking, sideways-turned, mesh trucker caps. Unlike tie-dyes, parachute pants, the high top fade, and a thousand other harmless fashion faux pas that have sullied the pop culture landscape, mesh hats are particularly dangerous.
A WARNING TO YOU LOWLY PORN THIEVES
PORN: You should, under no circumstances – EVER, EVER share porn files! That’s right our beloved American institution is already in enough trouble. The lovely females that make porn what it is, don’t not get paid shit for what they do. There’s barely enough incentive now for a maladjusted teen with low self esteem to start throating cock on camera, let alone some LOWLIFE PORN THIEF stealing from the little they do earn!
WORKIN' ON THE CHAIN GANG
Walking up the side of the interstate picking up trash in front of some county van - WORKING ON THE CHAINGANG!
IT’S ONLY GONNA GET WORSE
Hard to believe, in not even twenty years I’ve gone from a bright eyed young boy, waiting to hear Santa slide down the chimney to a smut peddling, egg molesting deviant, arguing with litigious needle junkies over the number of dicks you can fit in a bitch’s asshole. Yeah, it’s sad but true, but I suspect as the years go on…
HATCHET WOUNDS AND HOOF PRINTS
It is a proven fact that there are only two types of females...
INDEPENDANCE DAY PORK RECIPES
Ok, so we know who is at the root of this problem: THE STINKIN’ ASS PORK. You know what I’m talking about: THE PIGS, THE MAN, FIVE-O, or THE PO-PO.
JAY ON PORN STUD SEARCH
OK, OK – SO I DID A FUCKIN’ PORN – BIG DEAL!
FAHRENHEIT 9/11: HIJACKED BY HIPPIES
For anyone who went to see this film this weekend your verdict was already out on Bush. Like anything that gets too big, there is always a backlash. It’s popular to bash Bush, but what about the Bush-Bashing-Backlash? It might hit just in time for November. Bush may actually get bashed back into office if we’re not careful.
GEORGIA OFF MY MIND
With this joke, I am bidding a final farewell to my stomping grounds of the past fourteen years: Atlanta, GA. That’s right, folks, I’m making like geese and getting the flock outta’ here! Greener pastures lie in the OC – a.k.a. Huntington Beach, CA.
HOW TO MAKE FRIENDS WITH THE DRUMMER FROM POISON
The following is a transcript of a e-mail war Dick was having with Rikki Rockett from Poison sometime around 1997. Rikki got pissed as hell, but by the end of it - the two dropped the hatchet and had a good laugh. Plus, I'll give 'ole Rikki Rockett props for actualy standing up for himself.
THE GIANT NASHVILLE PUSSY WORLD TOUR
We would like to thank Nashville Pussy for giving us some dates on their latest US tour! After doing that shit, we cannot go back to are usual punk rock DIY bullshit. A typical day on a mega rock tour like that would go something like this…
BORN ON 9/11
Like many others here in the USA September 11th is my birthday.
THE HORMONES IN THE BEEF THEORY
I’d like to THANK the farmers for the hormones in the beef – because hot young girls still want to have sex with a guy like me…
RICK JAMES (A DEULOGY)
Just who was Rick James? To me, his was a fucking-up-man's fuck-up-man . . .a fuck-up's fuck-up, if you will. He wasn't a funk legend. You need to replace an “F” with a “P”.
THE SECRET GOOGLE ALGORITHM: EXPLAINED
What many of you may not know is the most important seminars at conventions are held behind closed doors. This years Phoenix Forums were no exception. On Saturday around five in the morning the secret, the Google algorithm was explained to a select small group of webmasters. The notes have been uncovered and are posted here on GFY.
HOW TO GO TO JAIL WHILE TRIPPING ON ACID BECAUSE YOUR CAT GOT OUTSIDE
I was living in Norcross, GA with my girlfriend at the time. She had gone out of town to visit family, and I was out of town playing some gigs. When I arrived home I could not find our 3 cats anywhere. I phoned my girlfriend and she said they were outside when she left. I looked around outside for a while more and still couldn't find them, so I called our leasing office. They told me that they had called Animal Control to have them picked up for being outside too long. I got in my truck to go spring our cats out of kitty jail in Lawrenceville.
GUM, CUM, GUNS, GANGS
Want to get to know someone? Think you know someone real well, but maybe you don't? Are you ready for a personality test that cuts through all the Freudian B.S. and breaks it down to four simple questions: "Gum? Cum? Guns? Gangs?- Which do you like?
THE USUAL SUSPECTS
Janet Jackson, who couldn’t remember if she was doing the Super Bowl or National Geographic, gave politicians all the ammo they needed to push these new standards through.
THE FABULOUS LIFE OF...
This is probably my best editorial ever: On rare occasions, Behind the Music would chronicle the rise and fall of a star that actually did make some kind of difference in the field of music, but The Fabulous Lives Of and It's Good To Be pick entertainers that barely did anything to get to where they are today and proceed to flaunt their outrageous wealth and opulent lifestyles in the faces of the disenfranchised viewers.
MY GOOSE IS COOKED
I had survived six days in Vegas, and about to work on my seventh when I crossed the “Vegas Threshold of Pain” and my goose was officially cooked.
FOR LOVE OF JAGERMEISTER AND SLAYER
Slayer is the greatest metal band of all time, end of story.
HEAVY METAL MATH
In fact, it's here -- welcome to the apex of Metal's new wave of popularity. Hey Metalheads, enjoy it while it lasts, because we are one Smells Like Teen Sprit away from another long stretch of irrelevancy.
THE SUICIDE BUILDERS
This year, to throw an extra wrench into the gears, Homeland Security has krunked that trusty terror alert to Orange, and has specified Vegas as a possible target. If credible, here is the proof that Al Qaeda is indeed starting to slip. Don’t accuse me of giving advice to the terrorists, but, come on guys, attacking Vegas is just fucking retarded.
JAY GOES TO YE OLD PORN CONVENTION AND MORE
Other highlights included: vomiting through the fingers on my hand, running into Lemmy backstage at the Players Ball, meeting Macaroni (the pimp the actual term “mackin’” came from), losing money over and over at blackjack, finding out from an actual eye witness that Robin Leach IS banned from the five star Delmonico’s Steakhouse for eating cheesecake from a hookers pussy, and taking shit after shit in the plush Venetian bathrooms. Viva Vas Vegas!!
TRICKLE-DOWN PUSSYNOMICS
Being the sensitive, 90’s kind of guy that I am, I find it appalling that I am here writing this on Monday, at the end of a long weekend, and that Carmen Electra isn’t waiting to lick Jennifer Love Hewitt’s day-old pussy boogers off the crusty end of my twat-mangler. Sure, I could find some local chicks to do it, but I would much rather have Britney Spears or some other decent piece of celebrity cooze doing the honors for a change.
THE ORDER OF THE MODERATELY SUCCESSFUL
You see, we ARE ballers -- just one step beneath the pretentious upper crust of society -- but it still is most likely that any of our “normal friends” will not have enough cheddar to make it to the titty bar three nights a week, like we do.
WHEN THE KITE STRING BREAKS
Yeah, it was a shitty, shitty experience, but would make for a great story one day. I really redefined the meaning of “having a bad trip” with that one.
JAY GOES TO THE PORN CONVENTION
In my room, I packed all of the ammunition I would be needing for my impending trip to Vegas - fuck airline security, I couldn’t risk not finding drugs out there. I unrolled the top of my Old Spice stick and stuffed twenty-five hits of ecstasy, a vial of liquid acid, 50 Xanax, and about ten hits of super-potent peyote into the bottom of it, then rolled it back in. My lawyer had advised me not to take weed or coke because the dogs might smell it. I got to Las Vegas and bought some weed and coke.
THE WEARING-DOWN MACK APPROACH
I suggest these Not-Quite-Ready-for-Maxim Chick Scoring Approaches.
MOCK THE VOTE
An election is drawing near. America may be breathing a collective sigh of relief with the capture of Saddam Hussein and the rebounding economy, but all of these events have a slimy, dangerous underbelly.