Many argue that you can?t get laid at titty bars. I strongly disagree with this logic. If I had a nickel for every stripper I’ve slid my bearded blood bomber into, I would be a rich man. Well, I’d have a few hundred dollars, in any event.

Today, I would like to forgo the usual comical/satirical/shock theme of my blog to instead offer some practical advice that will enhance your personal life. I have put literally a decade of research into this. Take this advice if you’ve always wanted to serve your boner pro-bono to your favorite “adult entertainer”. This information was formerly classified in the interests of national security, but I am declassifying it now — just for you.

To draw an analogy: the pursuit of molesting strippers is a lot like fishing (note that I ignored an obvious opportunity to make a fishy smell reference, or did I?). The pond you fish in, lure you use, and how you bait your hook are conditions that will give you a favorable success rate, but first you need to ask yourself:

“Do I really need a stripper?”

There are some obvious benefits to these bitches. I don’t know how things are in your neck of the woods, but a lot of the hottest bitches in town are dancers. Indeed, the rate of bi-sexuality is slightly higher when dealing with this pack, as is the likeliness of threesome action when involving the civilian population. Good ones should make a lot of money. If you are a loser without a job, you can look at them as meal tickets in high heels. Of course, there are many, many reasons why you should NEVER get serious with one, the scope of which is too broad for this blog.

Ok, you’ve been warned. Still want to move on? Here are the conditions:

CUSTOMER vs. FRIEND STATUS: No, matter what you do, the name of the game is staying out of the dreaded customer zone. There are two types of guys in a strippers eyes: Customers and Friends. Customers are upright paychecks with beer. Friends are the people to whom they take the customer’s money and buy rounds of drinks when they need a break from those pigs. Friends have a shot at hitting the nappy dugout for free, whereas customers will pay $20 a dance just to have the nappy gyrated on their knee in the VIP room. You want to stay as firmly planted on the Friends side of the line as possible.

BALLIN? ON A BUDGET: It’s easy to hemorrhage cash around tit slingers. Here, I am about to explain to you why it works to your advantage NOT to blow money on these sluts. Spending a lot of money, just by the simple economics of it, automatically puts you Customer end of the spectrum. Under no circumstances should you start blowing your wallet out on tabledances — leave that to those loser customers. If you get hustled for a tabledance, remain calm, and offer to buy her a drink or have her dance for your friend. This way, at least you won’t come off looking cheap. She will get drunker, easier, and your appearance will improve — everybody wins. Also, it never hurts to say that you are an artist, a writer, a DJ, or in a band — any kind of loserish pursuit that brings in little money will do. Even if you have no artistic aspirations, make something up. Strippers are complete suckers for this type of scum.

TIME OF DAY: Most titty bars run in two shifts: a dayshift and a nightshift. Prime time is between 4 PM and 7:30 PM for the dayshift. The dayshift is a lot slower than the hustle and bustle of the nightshift. Dayshift bitches are easier kills, but generally are not as hot as the nighshifters. If you opt for the nightshift, your best hours are midnight until closing time. Don’t Arrive so early in the chick’s shift that she is sober and concerned with making money or so late that she is in a rush to leave — drunk, tired money-bloated hoes are much easier targets.

THE HUNTING PARTY: While it is very common to take the sausage party to the shoeshow, this is a poor strategy. Going alone is best. If you don’t want to do that, bring one friend at max. Take someone that knows the value of playing wingman. Every additional member of your crew will decrease your odds of scoring by 12.5%.

SELLING FIRE IN HELL: A good way to remain on the Friends side of the line is to avoid making the obvious comments about how great her rack looks, or the delicious eight-twelfths pitch of her ass. They’ve been hearing about how great it would be to fondle their fake funbags all day. These bitches have a thick skin; you need to come in under the radar. Loose lips sink ships; desperate comments like this will get you banished to Customerland, forking out your cabbage for their attention. Act like you are just “bored or came in for a beer”. Try to ignore the hot naked women if you can. Make it seem like having naked bitches running around with giant augmented titties in your face all day is commonplace.

BAIT THEM WITH DRUGS: It?s pretty well known that drugs are a daily part of most of these chick’s routine. At the minimum, it’s a good idea to have some pot to offer to smoke with them after their shift. Having coke, Xanax, more liquor, speed, or a combination of everything will assure that you have exactly the narcotic that fits your prey’s drug diet. Use the dope as a jumping-off point for riding the skinbus into tunatown (ok, there’s the fish reference). It’s an icebreaker. A ruse. Bait.

TITTY BAR POLITICS AND THE UNMITIGATED POWER OF REFERRAL PUSSY — When you do finally get the chance to hit one of these bitches, make your performance award-winning. Strippers are just like ordinary chicks, in the dressing room they get into nitty-gritty details of your cocksmanship — size, stamina, and technique will all become public knowledge quickly. If the reviews are favorable, expect other bitches going behind other bitch’s backs to fuck you. Then those bitches will talk to other bitches, and you’ll fuck more bitches. Unfortunately, this will not last forever. Eventually one will hate on you, or you will bone the entire shift (whichever comes first). Enjoy it while it lasts. Live in the moment, but remember that all good things must pass. Then you will have to move on and conquer another club.

Anyhoo, you Newbie Macks may wish to print a copy of this article and keep it in your back pocket next time you venture out. This advice works — follow it and you can look forward to a long string of infidelities with all of your favorite local exotic dancers. Just remember: hit it and move on. If you take one back to your house, I recommend taking the most confusing backroads possible to your residence, so she won’t be able to find her way back. Trust me, these bitches are nuts. I’ve personally dealt with enough loony shit to film five seasons of the next hot reality show, “WHEN STRIPPERS ATTACK!” (listen to the song – it’s MP3)

Till then – good luck, happy hunting, and remember what Snoop said back in ‘94: “We don’t love deez’ hoes!!”

See you at the clinic.

Jay