Wednesday, 12/21

5 AM - Get about an hour of sleep before leaving for LAX at 5AM to beat the morning rat race to catch 8AM flight to Tampa.

5:10 AM - Oddly enough, there is no LA rat race. Arrive at airport.

7:10 AM – In the words of Woe Walsh: “I’ve got a mansion / Forget the price / I’ve never been there / They tell me it’s nice” – I call my realtor and ask where my house is in Tampa.

8:01 AM – Depart and take Xanax.

11:02 AM – Wonder why sleep hasn’t come.

11:03 AM – (Fast forward 3 hours to EST)

4:19 PM – Shaken awake by flight crew in Tampa asking if I was continuing on the flight to Pittsburg.

4:50 PM – Picked up at airport by nubile 20 year old blonde that will soon be my housemate.

5:12 PM – We see house for first time – very impressive.

5:13 PM - Panties moisten.

5:35 PM – Dinner at Tampa’s finest restaurant: Applebee’s.

5:37 PM – Start drinking.

7:21 PM – Bring a new meaning to drinking and driving by barreling down the highway to DJ Airek’s (Eric) house, cutting up limes, and slamming Patron straight out of the bottle.

8:01 PM – 9:45 PM – Drink heavily at Eric’s house.

Editor’s Note: Eric is the manager of the unnecessarily controversial Sleep Assault porn site. A lot of people claimed it depicts rape (which it doesn’t) – I don’t like the word rape anyways…I prefer “surprise sex”.

10:01 PM – Go to Exterme John’s house (also a fine pornographer) and continue binge drinking.

11:12 PM – Go to some horrible titty bar. Between 5 strippers, we are talking about 9 teeth total.

11:13 PM - Start pounding Jaugerbombs hoping it will improve the view.

11:35 PM – No Luck.

11:45 PM – Leave.

12:03 PM – Arrive at some other horrible titty bar - 3 strippers / 5 teeth.

12:13 AM - Pound way more Jaugerbombs hoping for impovement.

1:35 AM – Still no Luck.

1:49 AM – Last call.

2:03 AM – Back to Eric’s house.

2:05 AM – Total vouge off:

4:31 AM – Blackout.

5-ish AM – Passout.

Thursday, 12/22

11:57 AM – Wake up amazed at lack of hangover. Girl / ride is gone.

12:12 PM – Drink vitamin filled smoothie.

12:35 PM – Hangover kicks in.

12:26PM – 5:01 PM – Total hangover.

6:01 PM – Realizing I should have rented a car, we catch a $50 cab ride to another fine, upstanding pornographer: Roger V’s House (the guy from Dirty Rotten Filthy Whores).

6:02 – 8:34 PM – Give up on fighting hangover. Start drinking.

8:35 PM – 10:35 - Dinner and more drinks.

11:01 PM – Check out the world famous whorefest: Roundoff Ladies Night.

11:02 PM – Watch in amazement a crowd of hundreds linedance to 50Cent.

11:03 – 12:51 AM – Binge drink and gawk at all of the hot puss in attendance.

12:52 AM – Realize the.best pickup line in the world is “Have I seen you on Myspace?”

12:53 – 3:10 AM - Try this line (with varying degrees of success) on chicks in crowd.

3:15 AM – Back to Rogers house.

3:16 AM — Total vouge off:

4:31 AM – Blackout.

5-ish AM – Passout.

Saturday, 12/24 (Christmas Eve)

8AM – Wake up to catch a flight to visit family for Christmas in Exeter, Rhode Island.

11:01 - Depart and take Xanax.

2:32 AM – Wonder why sleep hasn’t come again.

4:19 PM – Shaken awake by flight crew in Providence asking if I was continuing the flight to Pittsburg.

4:50 PM – 11PM Hang out with parents, choke down 4 martinis at dinner, pass out.

Saturday, 12/24

8:05 AM – 7:15PM Spend most of the day trying to euphemistically explain to parents what I do for a living.

7:30 PM – Go with parents to see “King Kong”. For some reason all three of us get the senior citizen discount.

10:50 pm – Realize after 3 hours that “King Kong” should have been named “King Long”

11PM – 12:30AM – Hang out with brother, choke down xanax bar, pass out.

Sunday, 12/25 (Christmas)

8:13 AM – 6PM – Wake up, exchange gifts, euphemistically explain to extended family what I do for a living – total boredom.

6:01 PM - Confirm that I hate kids, even if they are related to me.

8:30 PM – Consider going to the Indian Casino but freezing rain fucks up everything.

8:31 PM – 11PM – Try to learn to play Suduko. Dimensions of game frazzle peanut sized brain.

11:15PM - Write this blog.

Tomorrow, it’s on to my old stomping grounds of Atlanta for more adventures.

Stay tuned.

CHRISTMAS 2002 CONTINUED: THE FIRST ANNUAL PINK PONY ALL DAY CHISTMAS DRINK-A-THON: It was an all-day epic standoff at one of ATL’s finest shoe shows: The Pink Pony. I don’t write for the money, the glory, or the avalanche of star struck sluts – about the only perk is the occasional bartender who hooks us up with free drinks to have some quasi-celebs like the CJ crew frequenting their establishment. We arrived at 6:30 PM and the Jagermeister started flowing hard and fast. The plan was to drink until the 4AM closing, but at the hands of the merciless, quadruple Jagermeister shot-pouring bartendress, Jessica, it became obvious that we wouldn’t be able to hold it together until last call. As the evening wore on, some friends joined us, but by the time reinforcements showed, it was too late — our gooses were cooked. Before we redecorated the inside of the club in a sea of half-digested, purple taco remnants, we ducked out.

Everything after that is a haze. I woke up the next morning to find half-a-dozen eggs smashed all over my kitchen floor, and my stereo stuck on a repeat of “The Eggman” by the Beastie Boys. For the record, I have no idea what happened — I don’t even BUY eggs. It’s a funny thing, blacking out — it’s probably your brain trying to protect itself from storing such retarded memories.

Hard to believe, in not even twenty years I’ve gone from a bright eyed young boy, waiting to hear Santa slide down the chimney to a smut peddling, egg molesting deviant, arguing with litigious needle junkies over the number of dicks you can fit in a bitch’s asshole. Yeah, it’s sad but true, but I suspect as the years go on…

It’s only gonna get worse.

Happy Holidays,
JAY

The Ghosts of Christmas Past take me on a trip all the way back to Christmas Eve 2002:

On Christmas Eve, everything shut down early with the exception of our favorite / least favorite local dive bar (recently voted CitySearch’s “Easiest Place to Score a Gram”) — here that I, Paul (www.consumptionjunction.com), sit with a friend who runs a Russian mail-order bride service gathered on Christmas Eve.

We sat at the table drowning our livers with all of the holiday fineries: Bud Light and Jagermeister when we were unwillingly joined by two psychotic women that wandered in. Now, when I say psychotic, I don’t mean the normal garden-variety way all chicks are psychotic – I’m talking two angst-filled, bipolar, Lithium-sucking nutjobs. One of these loonies claimed she had “dated” me in the past. To say we dated glamorizes one quick game of “hide the salami” while tripping my face off on acid and then spending the next few months dodging repeated phones calls. She opens up by telling me her boyfriend was about to be released from prison and was going to kill me.

Ok, it’s Christmas – I’ve got to be nice, so I make a few jokes and offer her a drink in an attempt at levity. After a while, the girl loosens up and regales us with stories of intensive probation, a vicious needle habit, and how her lawyer had somehow rigged (no pun intended) things up to where each county she is on probation in thinks she is in a rehab clinic somewhere else, thus — left free to walk the streets and annoy us.

Thanks God for lawyers… NOT!

Eventually, the conversation turns to DVDA (double vaginal / double anal). She claims to have seen double vaginal / triple anal – in person! Paul calls her bluff. A double vaginal / triple anal would be completely impossible, if for no other reason than the sheer logistics of it. She insists the girl in question had an asshole the circumference of a telephone pole which made this possible, but that line of reasoning still doesn’t explain how the mish-mash of arms, legs, and pelvises would be arranged to accommodate such a gaping rectum. Many minutes are spent discussing the necessary sizes of the men’s genitalia, the inclusion of midgets, positions, and the absolute gayness of such an event. It’s all good fun, ‘til the balls touch. We concluded that it was completely impossible to perform a double vaginal / triple anal, but she refused to back down on her claims. We countered with, “If you saw it, then how was it done — illustrate it.”

She agrees, and with the help of a few bar patrons, we attempt a fully clothed re-creation of the act, and, unsurprisingly, find it impossible. Of course, I snapped a picture of the proceedings, and at this the 3ADVA girl became completely unglued, and threatened us, saying if we used the picture we would be sued until we begged for death, then resurrected, and sued again. Paul argued that we were in a public place, and she has no grounds to sue us, but that this is America and anyone can try to sue for anything — and so, the showdown began:

The girl picks up her phone, points to her attorney’s number, and says she’ll have us destitute and incarcerated if we continued. I respond by pointing out we have a few attorneys numbers on our phones as well – yes, another classic “who has the most attorneys on their phone?” pissing contest.

It turns out: I have six lawyers’ numbers; Mrs. Thorazine has four; and Paul, the clear victor, has a total of nine.

Backpedaling, she points out that it isn’t the number of lawyers on one’s phone, it’s whose lawyer will take your call at this hour (4 AM)? Cell phones are drawn, we each dial a lawyer, and switch phones — whoever gets their council to pick up is the victor. Ring one, ring two, ring three, and before the fourth ring the girl chickens out and takes her phone back — the showdown ends without litigation. (A confession: I bluffed and called my voicemail.) This year, I’ve already racked up enough billable hours to make Kobe Bryant blush – I can’t afford even a pro-rated 15 minutes of $300/hour for such silliness. After the duel is over, the girl finally meanders off, I go home, drop a few Xanax, and fall asleep watching Monty Python.

Wise move, because the next day was Christmas Day, and we had big plans…

(Part 2 to follow…)

As promised, here are a few pictures of the LBFM’s (Little Brown Fuck Machines) — I have a ton more, I just need to find time to post them. Enjoy!

Nastydollars, whom I’ve always considered on of the yardstick of excellence when it comes to online porn, has just dropped 2 new sites that I definently think are worth menting.

The first is 40 Inch Plus, another great big butt site in the links of Big Tits Round Asses and Phat White Booty. Big asses are in and I’ve got to say that I’m very impressed with this site. Here are some samples:

Check out 40 Inch Plus

Site #2 is VIP Crew, which is done by the same guys that brought you In The VIP. VIPCrew is In The Vip on steroids. There are like 12-20 chicks in each epiode and a lot of hardcore. You can tell these guy had a great time filming this site.

Check out VIP CREW

The best thing about this is you join one site — you’ve just joined them both, as well as the 20+ Nastydollars sites in the network, which are all updated like clockwork!

Finally some realtionship advice that I can buy into:

Good thing it’s about blowjobs. I can’t understand much else.