Wednesday, 12/21
5 AM - Get about an hour of sleep before leaving for LAX at 5AM to beat the morning rat race to catch 8AM flight to Tampa.
5:10 AM - Oddly enough, there is no LA rat race. Arrive at airport.
7:10 AM – In the words of Woe Walsh: “I’ve got a mansion / Forget the price / I’ve never been there / They tell me it’s nice” – I call my realtor and ask where my house is in Tampa.
8:01 AM – Depart and take Xanax.
11:02 AM – Wonder why sleep hasn’t come.
11:03 AM – (Fast forward 3 hours to EST)
4:19 PM – Shaken awake by flight crew in Tampa asking if I was continuing on the flight to Pittsburg.
4:50 PM – Picked up at airport by nubile 20 year old blonde that will soon be my housemate.
5:12 PM – We see house for first time – very impressive.
5:13 PM - Panties moisten.
5:35 PM – Dinner at Tampa’s finest restaurant: Applebee’s.
5:37 PM – Start drinking.
7:21 PM – Bring a new meaning to drinking and driving by barreling down the highway to DJ Airek’s (Eric) house, cutting up limes, and slamming Patron straight out of the bottle.
8:01 PM – 9:45 PM – Drink heavily at Eric’s house.
Editor’s Note: Eric is the manager of the unnecessarily controversial Sleep Assault porn site. A lot of people claimed it depicts rape (which it doesn’t) – I don’t like the word rape anyways…I prefer “surprise sex”.
10:01 PM – Go to Exterme John’s house (also a fine pornographer) and continue binge drinking.
11:12 PM – Go to some horrible titty bar. Between 5 strippers, we are talking about 9 teeth total.
11:13 PM - Start pounding Jaugerbombs hoping it will improve the view.
11:35 PM – No Luck.
11:45 PM – Leave.
12:03 PM – Arrive at some other horrible titty bar - 3 strippers / 5 teeth.
12:13 AM - Pound way more Jaugerbombs hoping for impovement.
1:35 AM – Still no Luck.
1:49 AM – Last call.
2:03 AM – Back to Eric’s house.
2:05 AM – Total vouge off:
4:31 AM – Blackout.
5-ish AM – Passout.
Thursday, 12/22
11:57 AM – Wake up amazed at lack of hangover. Girl / ride is gone.
12:12 PM – Drink vitamin filled smoothie.
12:35 PM – Hangover kicks in.
12:26PM – 5:01 PM – Total hangover.
6:01 PM – Realizing I should have rented a car, we catch a $50 cab ride to another fine, upstanding pornographer: Roger V’s House (the guy from Dirty Rotten Filthy Whores).
6:02 – 8:34 PM – Give up on fighting hangover. Start drinking.
8:35 PM – 10:35 - Dinner and more drinks.
11:01 PM – Check out the world famous whorefest: Roundoff Ladies Night.
11:02 PM – Watch in amazement a crowd of hundreds linedance to 50Cent.
11:03 – 12:51 AM – Binge drink and gawk at all of the hot puss in attendance.
12:52 AM – Realize the.best pickup line in the world is “Have I seen you on Myspace?”
12:53 – 3:10 AM - Try this line (with varying degrees of success) on chicks in crowd.
3:15 AM – Back to Rogers house.
3:16 AM — Total vouge off:
4:31 AM – Blackout.
5-ish AM – Passout.
Saturday, 12/24 (Christmas Eve)
8AM – Wake up to catch a flight to visit family for Christmas in Exeter, Rhode Island.
11:01 - Depart and take Xanax.
2:32 AM – Wonder why sleep hasn’t come again.
4:19 PM – Shaken awake by flight crew in Providence asking if I was continuing the flight to Pittsburg.
4:50 PM – 11PM Hang out with parents, choke down 4 martinis at dinner, pass out.
Saturday, 12/24
8:05 AM – 7:15PM Spend most of the day trying to euphemistically explain to parents what I do for a living.
7:30 PM – Go with parents to see “King Kong”. For some reason all three of us get the senior citizen discount.
10:50 pm – Realize after 3 hours that “King Kong” should have been named “King Long”
11PM – 12:30AM – Hang out with brother, choke down xanax bar, pass out.
Sunday, 12/25 (Christmas)
8:13 AM – 6PM – Wake up, exchange gifts, euphemistically explain to extended family what I do for a living – total boredom.
6:01 PM - Confirm that I hate kids, even if they are related to me.
8:30 PM – Consider going to the Indian Casino but freezing rain fucks up everything.
8:31 PM – 11PM – Try to learn to play Suduko. Dimensions of game frazzle peanut sized brain.
11:15PM - Write this blog.
Tomorrow, it’s on to my old stomping grounds of Atlanta for more adventures.
Stay tuned.