After making one of the worst travel mistakes of history, we left Mexico en route for San Paulo. For many years it was my dream to visit Brazil – the cucarachas, weather, and women…all those god damned women…did I mention all of those god damn WOMEN?
Are picking up what I am putting down?
Finally, we had a good business excuse to visit Brazil: To begin principal photography on Phatbootybrazil.com – it would be our follow-up to our highly successful Brazilbang.
Monday: We arrive in San Paulo at 7AM and catch a cab to our hotel. On the drive out from the airport San Paulo in nice, green and peaceful — then…the traffic. Worst shit I’ve ever seen. As our cab ebbed down the highway the first the first thing we see is a nice bird’s eye view of one of the gnarliest prisons ever. Maybe Brazil could be a little scary. We get to our hotel about 8:30, but can’t get in our rooms till almost 11AM. Finally pass out, wake up at 7PM, and meet Bruno from Dickman’s Designs for some dinner at Barbacoa. Bruno give us the good 3 cent / 2 hour tour on San Paulo which includes the tranny district, the hooker mall, the ciudad of rock, and a few other points of interest…then we head back to hotel hotel, I piss out my ass for an hour, and call it a night.
I blame Mexico.
Tuesday: Still feeling worn down as shit, I get up at a decent hour, work out, and have our first meeting with Alex – our contact for content. We discuss what we want shot for a while and then he takes us past this part of town where there is nothing but music stores – we are talking like 20 Guitar Centers end-to-end. In the window of one of those shops I see — could it be…a fender strat with a maple neck and a duel coil Seymour Duncan? I’ve been looking for one of those years. I get out of the cab, sure enough — there it is! I decided to do an impulse buy and pick it up for around 900 USD. We go back to the hotel, eat dinner, knocked out a few riffs and call it a night. Somehow I expected more action.
I still blame Mexico.
Wednesday: Get up at a decent hour, work out, and go meet Bruno from Dickans Designs for some very productive business meetings. Go back to the hotel, sleep, wake up and go out for pizza, beers, and some of the most Gnarly sugar cane liquor (Cachaca) that I’ve ever tasted (I know it even sounds like a venereal disease). We hang out at a couple bars, they were kind of a sausage party…not much happening. Brazil wasn’t the place I had always dreamed of — maybe we should have gone to Rio and taken our chances with the epidemic of violent street crime I’d heard so much about.
If I’ve bored you so far…keep reading because this blog is about to do a 180.
Thursday: Wake up, work out, and spend most of the day working and at meetings. Drop by the “hooker mall” to inspect the talent and go by our content contact’s house (who lives with his parents) and are introduced to the guys family and some of his younger brother’s friends. One of the guys is named Adriano, who manages one of the hotter clubs in San Saulo (Asia Seventy). That night we meet up with Bruno and Mike from Dickmans and go have some sushi which is “very nice, very nice” and go there. We spend most of the night getting interest from and consecutively striking out with hot Brazilian after hot Brazilian because of our lack of Portuguese. Late in the night Adriano comes up and says, “He man, I’ve got some girls here that are bitches…they are down to fuck.” So, I’m figuring that this is going to be “pay to play”, but I am fine with that…this is our forth night here, so shit had better start happening. Three girls show up and my friend says, ”I’ll take the big one” and he splits with her. That leaves me with the other two and because of the language barrier; I am unsure of what is really going on – next thing I know: I am in a cab making out with the both of them. In the heat of it all, I forget to grab any cash and wind up back at the hotel with two girls and about 5 USD. Once back in the room the threesome was in full mutha fucking effect. This was not some LH3 this was the real deal – pussy licking, switching up, two bitches on my knob hardcore mange a trios double team supreme! I can remember looking out as the sun was coming up over the very impressive San Paulo skyline and I was fucking one of these girls doggy-style while the other yelled the first English I had heard from her all might.
“Good moning!!”
I yelled with them, “Good morning…”, but then I forgot where I was.
“Good morning San Paulo!!” – they screamed, it was glorious, truly glorious.
Friday: I wake up, do another round of the double team supreme, and now had arrived the moment of truth…I knew I would be wandering around hungover doing the walk of shame (AWS) an ATM with the 2 girls in tow. Much to my surprise the girls had got up, wrote their numbers down for me, kissed me, thanked me, and left…no cash!
You don’t have to be a weather man to know which way the wind blows.
Today would be the first day shooting Phatbootybrazil. Alex comes by and picks us up to take us to the set. We get there and most of the talent has already shown up. Alex has said outright that we could have nearly and girl we want for free (some) or 200 Hay (less than $100). We watch the first scene as the quite whacky, but hot Gabby. My friend directs and it seems thing are going quite well, so I walk over into the room where the rest of the chicks are hanging out. There are four more back there one is just retardedly hot, her cousin (also “very nice, very nice”) and two other Brazilian sluts that are smoking, and one relatively cute girl with a big ass that can’t take her eyes off of me. One of the assistants on the set (Panda) tells me that the retardedly hot one says that, (this gets a little weird in translation) “wants to eat me” but within 5 minutes the cute one with the fat ass is making out with me, she is rubbing my dick, and so I figure that it is a sure-fire GFE from this one. We hang around for the first few scenes, see that we are in good hands, and we take off with one of the girls and the driver. On the way back we are stuck in the hellish San Paulo rush hour with four other people in the car. By the end of the 1.5 hour / 10 mile ride – we are reduced to doing nothing but saying blah, blah, blah, doing imitations of elephants, and making shadow dogs with our hand while stewing in the suicide level exhaust fumes.
It’s a sad thing to say, but San Paulo traffic makes me look forward to the LA. That is a very bold statement.
So, my buddy takes off with his chick from the scene and I wait for mine. Alex calls me and says, (more whacky translation) “I’m not sure if you want that one, she is bad like milk that has passed it’s expiration date, but Manu (the retardedly hot one) says that she wants to fuck you. So do you want me to send her?”
“Sure.” I tell him.
“She will be there in an hour.”
Right after I get off the phone with him, I get a call from Anselmo (Anspermo) from Mike In Brazil wanting to go hang out at some dive bars. So I figure that I can do both: take the girl out and hang out with Anspermo. So at 10:30 walk out into the lobby as both are coming in. Anspermo and Manu actually see each other before they see me…its obvious that they’ve met before…lol.
So the three of us go off Augusto Street (the seedy side of town) and Anslemo says:
“Dude, she will not like this. I am cock blocking.”
“It’s my world she is just living in it.” I respond.
Anslemo laughs, “I supposes, what were you going to do seeing as you can’t talk to her? Speak the universal language?”
We both laugh.
We go out to a few bars, have a few Boheneas (Brazilian beer), and have a good time. After a while it seems like Manu wants to go back and “make sex” so we return to the hotel and speak “the universal language”…in fact we do it quite well. I’m not sure which I liked more – the double team supream or Manu — they were both “very nice, very nice.”
Brazil was sure picking up.
Saturday: I wake up and speak some more universal language with Manu. Alex come by and picks me up and we go down to the Ciudad de Rock…which is an real metalheads wet dream. Just like trhe street of music store this was a giant 3 floor mall of nothing but heave metal stores…the place was completely off the charts. I blew about $100 of Celtic Frost Shirts and anothet $500 on obscure 80’s thrash CDs (Whiplash, Holy Terror, Exiter). If you are a metal fan make the trip to San Paulo for that – you won’t be disappointed.
That night we have a hookup with our boy at Asian Seventy, so we go back to try our luck with some of the local girls. We get there kind of late and it takes us a while to get a buzz going, but once we do — we wind up hanging out with a local cop (a lieutenant) and a judge – two very good people to know in Brazil! After the club closes, we are headed out to “the house of houses” (Love Story) - the most sketchy after hours bar on earth (does not open until 5AM) with the cop and judge. We are introduced at the door as “policia American” and wind up getting total VIP treatment. We get a table on the dance floor and are surrounded — street hookers, trannies, drug dealers, gangsters, and random vermin…it was crazy.
Somewhere in all of that I had arranged a double team supreme with two other local chicks through the cop, but after all of the talk of trannies and getting jacked by hookers I decide not to pull the trigger on anything and go back to my hotel around 9:30AM alone.
Sunday – I wake up to go have a late lunch with Alex and when he shows up at 2PM I am still quite wasted. Seeing as it was my last night I had to do something, but I was pretty partied out, so I see if Alex can get me Manu again. Later, he calls me and tells me that she is still available and I can get her cousin to come over if I want…hell yeah, that sounds like a hell of a last night and (ironically) not the first time that I’ve had two cousins this year. They come over, some serious double team supreme cousin fucking goes down, the cousin splits, and in a stroke of genius I break out my laptop and fill the uncomfortable silences between fuck sessions with talking to thus girl through hooker babblefish…which can yield some pretty funny results:
“I payment deffered vace the blonde face I know voce likes me fear voce.” — oh well, at least I tried!
Oh, well – it was a hell of a lot better than I was doing. Really after a wile of talking to her on hooker babblefish I was realizing in her own hookerish / pornstar way starting to actually like me.
Monday: Our flight was out at midnight. I was supposed to meet Anselmo at one to got back to the cuidad de rock. Me and the chick pass the early morning having dome really very good sex and talking on hooker babblefish more:
“Me fear me like you too much maybe it is best you are leaving today”
Aww,how sweet?
In fact when it was time for her to leave she actually started crying and hugging me – again, this wans’t the first time I’d made a hooker cry…the poor girl. On the way downstairs I run into Alex and he tells me that I had made the her late to do a tranny scene.
Romance.
Maybe she wasn’t crying for me – she was crying because she had to go bang trannies…*swallow pride now*.
So I meet Anselmo and we spent the rest of the time milling around the music shops and the Cuidad de Rock. I pick up a few more metal albums to declare at customs.
Anslemo explains, “The porn chicks here will never fuck the other people in the business and that girl Manu that you were with is one of the most famous porn stars in Brazil…she’s also done a scene with he mom (who is also a porn star).”
I guess just me and her cousin was just a slow Sunday night then *swallow more pride*.
My conclusion: San Paulo fucking rocks and we got dialed in there big in just a week — we had the locked up the porn chicks, the guys who run the clubs, the cops, a judge, I had expanded my already burgeoning metal collection almost 1000%, bought a fucking kick ass guitar, and made pretty solid group of friends there.
San Paulo is one of the greatest places I’ve ever and I can’t wait to go back.
Who’s up for it?
Jay