This past week’s show in Vegas was quite a debacle. The 5.5 day standoff was — by no means, easy the brain, liver, or wallet.

Here are the gory details:

Wednasday, July 12th – Arrive in Vegas early evening and check into the Hard Rock. Hit a couple parties and then proceed onward to strip clubs. Wander out into omnipresent Vegas heat at 8AM a few dollars poorer and blueballed.

No biggie.

Thursday, July 13th - Go out to the “show” floor, which consists of a bunch of various porn companies sponsoring poolside cabanas around the pool at the Hard Rock. Start getting wasted in the 110 degree heat, proceed to the circle bar, keep drinking, skip dinner and go to Tao at the Venetian. At first Tao was kind of boring because we had a shitty table. Things improved when when I start sharking on some porn slut. Before long she was jerking me off and she is blowing me at the table right in front of all my friends. I suggest we leave, she obliges, and we go back to the Hard Rock for a quick shag. I suggest we rejoin the group, she obliges (does she say no to anything?), but on the way back she gets a phone call to meet “some clients”.

I guess I got boned pro-bono. Free hookers are like a sore dick:
You can’t beat it.

I meet back up with the group at Tao again, but the place quickly gets boring again without some porn snizz attached to your dick, so we decide to bail and go over to Tryst at the Wynn. We’re there for the last hour messing around with another group of girls and doing silly dance moves. It was now half-past-drug-thirty, so we went back to my buddy Steve’s room, where he had some coke. He was also nice enough to also get some baking soda and aluminum foil sor me so I could go shiny side down. I’ve been trying to quite smoking rocks for a few weeks — but cum’ on…the guy bought foin and baking soda for Christ sakes! To NOT smoke it would be unconscionable. The crack really livens me up and I proceed into one of my crack-addled comedy routines which leave the whole room room mesmerized.

8AM, or so, rolls around. I crash out.

Friday, 14th – I am awakened at 10 AM by 2 stupid sluts pounding repeatedly on my door. The two are rambling incohently about wanting to get some coke, but I explain that I just smoked it all. So, they pull the blankets off the other bed in the room, which makes my laptop hit the floor harder Sonny Bono hits a tree at Aspen.

Finally, I give the ultimatum: Give up the nappy or get the fuck out — they leave.

I wake up later on that day and decide that I ought to check my email. I take my laptop out — the entire glass panle from the screen falls right out onto my keyboard.

THOSE STUPID FUCKING SLUTS!

Undaunted, I go back out to the pool and start drinking again. I meet up with a bunch of people and we go over to Body English (club at the Hard Rock) that night. After a while Body Engish gets boring so me and SAK (Assmunchers) go across the street to the Rainbow (not as cool as the one in LA), eat some pizza, get bored, and wander into the adjacent strip club only so somehow manage to insult all the strippers. We wind back at the Hard Rock and I get a text message from the girls that had broke my laptop saying that they wanted to “make it up to me” and “had some coke”. Figuring that I would never see a dime from them, I figure I could probably best hedge my loses with such commodities. I get up to my room and only see one of the girls sitting there against my door. We go it the room, she busts out some blow, I snort some huge fucking rockstar lines, the coke sucks, and I actually wind up passing out.

Saturday, 15th – I wake up that slut from the night before (asleep in the other bed) screaming at her husband at 9AM. I tell her to shut the fuck up and get out of the room. This bitch is like the worst person in the world – hand down. The show is over at this point, but I am so pissed off I…

Can anybody guess?

Surprise, surprise: Go out to the pool and start drinking.

This day is it is my buddies birthday and they’ve rented a bunch of Cabanas, our boy from Myfirstpornscence was supossed to roll by with Britney Starr and a bunch of hookers. While hanging out at the Cabanas I manage to score a bunch of hits of ecstasy, meet a group of hot looking chicks from San Diego, and we all go back after the pool closes to my boy Mark from Naughty America’s room. One of the girls is this super hot model-looking chick with crazy green eyes. I tell Mark that if he can hook me up with her I would double his traffic. We make plans with the girls for later, I go over to Steve’s room, snort some weasel dust, go back to my room and puke all over the bathroom.

I meet up with all of my friends at Simon’s at the Hard Rock for the birthday dinner. I decide that I would not be eating but drinking my dinner that night. During dinner I took one of the tabs of E, put it on a fork and ate it. Before long, I was rolling my balls off. I gobbled down a couple more and we went up to the ongoing birthday party at Body English. At the club I met back up with the group of girls from San Diego and (as fortune would have it) they were rolling too. So we wind up partying all night and we are all supposed to leave the next day. It was 10AM, my flight was coming up in a few hours and so was the girls. There was “romance” going on between me and one of them, so I convinced her to re-book her flight if I re-booked mine and got the room for another night.

Now, I guess I had better segue into…

Sunday, 16th – With no sleep before…me and the San Diego girls decide to check out the “world famous” Rehab pool party. Truthfully, Relapse would be a better name. We meet up with another friend of mine John from Wegcash and hang out at their Cabana. Before long a friend of mine comes up and hand me and entire eightball of cocaine and tells me that I can have it. There’s a bunch of ghetto strippers hanging out there so we toss it to them for a bit, some crazy steroided out guy comes up and sells up 6 more hits of E for next to nothing. The girl and I drop them, Rehab winds up shutting down, and we finally go back up to my room to consummate out relationship for several hours (you gotta love E — no softserve). After, 4 hours of drugged out sex we realized that we still have half and eightball of cocaine left, but at this point we are so partied out we even want it anymore. So, we call everyone we know to trying to give it away, but nobody will wants it.

There is nothing sadder than an orphaned bag of cocaine.

Not long after, I get a call from my girl Lia, who had left Rehab late that afternoon and had apparently been kicked off of her flight for being to drunk, while wearing nothing but a bikini, and having her bags had been sent on to Arizona. She was stranded at the airport. I tell her she can come up and stay in my other bed, because I was finally starting to get sleepy, and if the girl I was with got pounded anymore she might never walk again.

Finally…we slept and the 2 day bender had come to an end.

Monday, 17th – Finally, after being zonked into a coma for 12 hours I wake up with just enough time to catch my flight home and and go straight back to sleep.

Scorecard:

5.5 days in Vegas
6 hits of E
9 Eightballs
2647 Bud Lights
685 Shots Of Jauger
94 Advil
11 Bars of Xanax
6 VIP Tables
Maybe 1 Meal
3 strip clubs
6 Cabanas
26 condoms
2 new sexual partners
? – $$$!

I’m back home again.

Vegas: You are glad to get there and you are glad to get the fuck out.

Viva.

Jay