Tweaker? This could be you!

What your grill will look like after years of crystal meth abuse.

Meeth: Periodontal disease of the highest order bought to a person courtesy of a nasty speed habit.

Bling Blong: Piles of un-exchanged / unspent foreign currency laying about your house.

Q’on from Onprobation.com after a night of glory in LA sponsored by his favorite affiliate program OCCash.

I Feel a Pre-blog Coming On

Tomorrows night:

7-11PM Venom / Goatwhore @ The House of Blues: It all started in 1979 when 3 loveable Engish kids named Cronos, Mantas, and Abadon single handedly “founded” black metal. (ironically Venom just sounds like a Sataned-up Moterhead). It was the early 80’s when Venom warped my fragile teenage brain with their Satanic imagery and set me on a life of drugs and crime.

Awesomeness factor: +11
Chick Factor: 0

The only drawback to bands as wicked as the aforementioned is: no girls like them. I predict there will be two 6’s there with their boyfriends.

Post-Metalicus we have:

11-?AM Watntedlist Party at Sextoy Dave’s House: Dave’s Hollywood Hills mansion parties are one of the best known snizz-schmogisborgs in Tinseltown. Dave is a master of keeping the C2R ratio well a guy’s favor…and it’s like a mile from the Venom show.

Snizz Factor: 11

Your seamless ability to go from the highest of highs to the lowest of lows in the space of a few hours makes Hollywood my kind of town.

I’m so exited…

I feel a pre-blog coming on!

Despite all of my self-abuse, I do have a healthy side. I ride my bike 7 miles to the gym every other day and work out for about two hours.

A big problem being an owner of a decent bike in a metropolitan area is theft. In the last three years I’ve had three bikes stolen and each time I’ve replaced it with a progressively bigger bike that moved up in tandem with progressively bigger bike locks. Trek became Gary Fisher and now Gary Fisher is a Cannondale. Now my lock of choice is the Ongaurd Brute Bitbull…a lock which is so big and burley I need to carry it around in a backpack.

A few days ago I am walking out of the gym in the middle of the afternoon with my keys in hand ready to unlock my bike. To my surprise, when I reach the bike rack, some black dude is shaking the bike like he’s possessed in a vain attempt to exorcize it from the pole.

So I walk up, “Let me show you a trick to get that off faster…”

He steps back, I swiftly unlock the Pitbull, snap it back together, and swing the business end of it straight into his jaw. Stunned, he steps back. Blood spatterings and bits of teeth cover Wilshire. I’m a little in shock that I had fucked him up so bad. I already had the lock poised ready to strike again, so I brought it down on his head in a second and even more wicked blow.

I don’t even think that he knew what had happened. By this point the various people meandering around the streets of the Miracle Mile were starting to stare as some skinhead fuck was beating the life of some poor black crackhead, so I threw the lock back into my backpack and bounced.

When I got home I washed the blood and bits of flesh off of it.

Facts:

1. A night on E is much more fun than a night of coke.
2. The comedown of E is way better than Jonesing for weasel dust.
3. The day-after a night of doing E sucks 10x more.

Hence, I am sitting home on Saturday night alone.

OK, if any of you webmaster types are looking for hardlink trades or would like to have you site exposed to a lot more trading possibilities — this is the place to do it:

www.jaystrades.com

The new version has been gutted from bottom to top and is super-clean (it’s almost like a combo of Google Adwords and Myspace now). All of your pervious trades still work and all old accounts are still active. It still spiders and removes all cheating / dropped links.

All you really need to do is:

1. Create an account.
2. Add in your trades with keywords.
3. Put the include code at the bottom of pages you would like to trade on (must be able to parse for PHP).
4. Start searching for trades.
5. If someone wants a trade an email will go out to them. The trade must be approved by both parties before it goes live.

Jaystrades.com supports straight recip (A>B) trades and non-linier trades (A>B>C).

I realize the two previous incarnations were not as complete as they could have been and had a few bugs. Login and check out how far this project has come.

I think you will be impressed.

Email me or ICQ me if you have questions:
jay@jqmedia.org – ICQ 62835707

Talk whatever shit you want to about LA…”it’s phoney, it expensive, bad traffic…blah, blah blah” — here is one shop that you won’t be seeing in your local stripmall in the Midwest or Southeast!

Excuse me, I have some glaucoma I need to treat herbally!

>>>>>INSERT ENVY HERE< <<<<<

Suicide - One Show At A Time: Being one of the “bigger webmasters” like being a rockstar or a drug dealer – except you don’t have to actually play music or sell drugs to get mashed up in exotic locals. Rather than bore you guys with another 1500 word dissertation on the events of this past week’s Internext Convention in Florida, let me tell you it went something like this:

1. Wake up around 2PM.
2. Imbibe obligatory Bloody Mary.
3. Switch to beer and Jaegermeister.
Threat leve of gums = “fine shade of cobalt blue”

4. Attend some kind of dinner function (keep drinking).
5. Rock a party at some club (drink harder).
Gums = ” fine shade of cobalt blue”

6. Do drugs in some suite till 8 in the morning at somebody’s suite.
Gum threat = ” fine eperveacent shade of bright magenta”

7. Mash up or softserve some random slut.

8. Repeat x number of days.

To attone for last years sins, I was forced to sit in
the segregated section at the pool.

Although, I can’t say that I hot any of the lows that I did at last summers show (standing blacked-out in the pool throwing watermelons at black people)….there are a few highlights I can recall:

- A tender re-union with the slut sisters.
- Snorting a bunch of what I thought was cocaine (but was actually E), it falling out of my nose, and having someone else eat it.
- I’m not proud of this: Fucking a FAT / big-tittied slut in the pool. Fuck it. It was 5AM, drunk, horny, and vulnerable, though not the pinnacle of my sexual career.

To add insult to injury: The next day, I had to rent a car and drive up to Tampa because some asshole kid tore up my lawn of one of my rental properties in Tampa with an ATV. Yeah, that shit does piss me off, but I was that kid doing doughnuts on people lawns once upon a time.

Karma is a bitch.

It was as close as I’ve ever come to falling asleep at the wheel. When I finally rolled into Tampa. The hotel I was staying at was directly across the street from two titty bars. Decent titty bars don’t exist in LA (though they totally should!). There would be no rest for the wicked that night: Attendance was compulsory.
I closed down both of them by 3AM.

The next day, I handled my domestic responsibilities and hooked up with Extreme John (esteemed pornographer, very cool / generous guy and Florida ’s new suntan king), Joey (Callkelly.com / Maturepost.com), and got a giant hummer limo and hit a few titty bars and rocked the Crystal.

Now, as I write this from the plane on it’s way back to Los Angeles….I feel like a can of smashed assholes.

Maybe, I should take a little downtime and sober up some. According to Fubarwebmasers, I should have about a week before the next show.

There no business like Ho Business.

I guess.

I love it…it’s that time of year again - just got the new Slayer CD Christ Illusion. I can remember anxiously awaiting the release of every new Slayer album since Reign in Blood way back in ’87. There a great feeling you get when you hear the Tom’s first words on each new CD:

Take a deep breath
Cause it all starts now
When you pull the fucking pin
The shrapnel burns…(ect)

Then they follow that up with at least 10 songs of total brutality. The more things change, the more Slayer stays the same.

Dave Lombardo is back on this one - another nice treat.

I have nothing but mad respect for those guys.

Somebody sent this to me. I know this is not supposed to be funny, but it just is!

Here is a glimpse of tomorrow’s post for my new site www.loljesus.com. I recently bought it off this guy for $1000 USD. Since I’ve owned it, I can’t believe how many fans it has and how much shit gets sent in. It’s made me even more exited about keeping that fucker stocked with fresh blastphemys!

Note: Fried chicken and watermelon for added visual insanity.

Visit: www.loljesus.com.